Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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