would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
