ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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