I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
