OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
