have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
