If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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