you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
