i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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