her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
