alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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