I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
