And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm jealous of your bromance
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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