It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I want to walk on stilts...naked
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize