It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
