I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
