Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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