Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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