He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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