we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
