Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I came so hard my ears popped.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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