I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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