I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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