Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
