If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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