Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
