If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
