No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Randomize
