Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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