i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize