I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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