I'm going to jail i love you
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
