can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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