Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm always down for nudity.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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