Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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