I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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