I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
