Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
