dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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