either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The air was thick with penises
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
