If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Congratulations! We have a period
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