I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize