Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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