Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Terrible idea I love it
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
