I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
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