Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
