I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
