You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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