There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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