No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
