My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
ok first of all what the fuck
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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