Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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