A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
