They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
