gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
