Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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