literally had 100 drinks last night.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
