What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Come see our sink grown plant.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Randomize
