So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
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