soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
